Together yet Alone

You begin to tell your partner about the last book you’ve read, but the words don’t get wings. You feel a need to share with him or her the feelings that’s inside you, but you know it’s now worth the trouble. He or she doesn’t want to understand what you are talking about anyways, so you don’t even try. Many people get feelings of loneliness and to have nobody to share the most inner thoughts within the relationship. The background of this feeling of loneliness is often that the communication for different reasons has fallen apart, or that you have given up the hope of a soul mate.

Very often one or both for different reasons withdraw and stop talking. There might be many reasons for this; pride, fright, anger, confusion and insecurity. However this does not have to mean the end of the relationship. In the journal Psychologies the issue of loneliness in a relationship has been discussed. There are helpful tips for people who are living with a partner, but who even though feel lonely.

You must know to appreciate different interests, because even though you might not respect or like your partner’s interests or friendships it’s important to accept it. There might be get-togethers with people you don’t have anything in common with or know, but to allow your partner to be able to be with whom he or she wants is in most cases fertile for relationships although it in some cases might feel threatening.

It’s also essential to learn to communicate in a good way. Make sure that you give good example, i.e. instead of saying: “You never talk to me anymore”, try to say “I would really love it if we could try to talk more”. It’s easy to get into a defensive manner if things are said in an accusing way; also you make sure to let your partner know how you feel, because nobody can deny you that right.

According to one of the therapists in Psychologies we have three different needs for attachment:

1. The intimate attachment – the partner

2. The relational attachment – friends, family etc.

3. The collective attachment - Our social identity, our experience of being part of something bigger like for example at work.

To protect our self against the feeling of loneliness it’s important to cherish all three of these attachment needs.

Make yourself know your own history. The therapists feel that if you cannot get rid of the feeling of loneliness you need to look back on your own history and search for clues maybe from your childhood. Maybe it has nothing to do with your partner, but something that you need to resolve internally, either with yourself, with the help of your partner or from a therapist.

Hopefully these steps will help, so when you’re with your partner you’ll feel like you have your safe haven where you’re never alone again.